GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
