Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
