Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
