I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
