I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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