My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
