Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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