last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
