Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize