we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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