Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
