i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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