well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
