A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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