well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
