I like my sex mixed with concussions.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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