I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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