You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
