There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
