I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
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I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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