I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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