ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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