its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
