can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
