you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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