either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
