I faked an abortion last night.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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