you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
