I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
