There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I AM VODKA MAN
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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