she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up under a house in Key West
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