and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
