When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
did i just pee glitter
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize