I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
