I'll bet she douches with gravy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
