i may or may not be watching the land before time
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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