I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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