Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize