Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
