The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
