He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
