it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
