just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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