I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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