don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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