I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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