please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
