I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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