he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
