if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
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do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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