I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
