my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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