I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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