just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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