The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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